Ride, ride like the wind… or, you know, don’t.

When it comes to rides and ride-on toys, Nica confuses us. As a toddler, she loved being spun around by the arms but cried when put on a slow-moving ride at a kiddie park. She had no fear of slides, no matter how curvy or fast, but she freaked out on swings, even when they were barely moving. As a preschooler, she loved every minute of a pony ride but was deathly afraid of carousels. In the car, she loves when we drive fast over bumps and hills, but one odd night, she made us pull over on the highway because the car was going too fast for her (even though we were going no faster than other cars).

If I say, “We’re going on a little trip,” Nica says, “OK. As long as it’s not Disney World.” (Whaaat? What kid says that?) Then she asks, “Are there rides where we’re going?” and if I say yes, she tells me she would rather not go. Then I have to reassure her that there will be other offerings besides rides.

It’s a head-scratcher, all right. Sometimes I wonder if at one of the amusement parks we’ve visited, she saw something that we didn’t. Something that made her lose faith in the whole rides thing.


Dude looks like a crazeh


Whatever the case, getting Nica ride-on toys has always been a hit-or-miss experience. When she was younger, we bought her a kick-ass tricycle. It was neglected. She has no interest in learning to ride a bicycle, either, though she did have fun with her balance bike for a while.

But there are two ride-ons that have been huge hits and still are:


1. PlasmaCar


Nica tried this for the first time at an amusement park. (See? No rhyme or reason to this.) You put your feet up on the pads and propel yourself using that little steering wheel. It’s awesome.


2. Step 2 Up & Down Roller Coaster

This little coaster is so fun. Kids play with this thing for hours. 

And, um, the big kid likes it too.

 The big kid


(He also rides the PlasmaCar, but that one can hold up to 220 lbs, so, hey, practically a commuter option.)


Proposal: The Mommy Head toy


Dear Acme Toy Division,

Enclosed is a sample of a product I have invented, which I’ve dubbed The Mommy Head.

What is The Mommy Head? Thank you for asking! First, let me ask if your customer is a mother. If so, are any of her children boys? Is one of the boys a toddler? Is he sweet-faced but possessing of an unpredictable violent streak, much like a cat?


Why I am a dog person


Even when he is attempting to be gentle, does he end up hurting loved ones? Does he tend to go for the face? If so, this is the toy for him!

The Mommy Head is made of silicone and plastic, with real hair extensions. The heads come in a variety of looks and can be custom-made to resemble any mother.


Celeb mom


The Mommy Head is stretchy and flexible, so it can be attached to various surfaces and objects to enhance the mommy experience for the child. TMH is not just a toy; it can help your customer in many ways.

For example, it can make baby sleep better, knowing that Mommy is always with her!


Better than a nightlight


Now your customer can enjoy moments of peace and relaxation while TMH takes on some of the burden!


Mommy martinis


And even when your customer’s child is no longer a baby or toddler, she can rest assured that TMH can still serve a valuable purpose. Highly recommended for tweens and teens who need to blow off some steam!

 Better than Prozac


If you want to make your customer happy and provide her and her children with a toy that is both fun and therapeutic, please contact me at your earliest convenience. You won’t regret it!

The modern family


I look forward to hearing from you.